“The sea is a color for which there are no words,” says a beloved book, Sarah, Plain and Tall. I love these words. I loved them in 3rd Grade. I love them now. I love it because it reminds me that sometimes, words can’t say everything.
Like right now.
I haven’t written in a while. Why? Have I not been inspired? Maybe. Have I not made the time? Perhaps. Why are the words slow in coming? Maybe because they aren’t there.
Words can’t capture my guilt for leaving the South Bronx. Or my sense of failure this year. They can’t say how at the very same time, I’m relieved. Like I’ve been under water holding my breath, swimming frantically and I finally see the light shining through the surface of the water. (Cue guilt.)
Words can’t say how my heart leaps and breaks over starting a new season. I’m leaving this school, these people that I love, and these students who have written themselves on my heart. Tears, not words, are all I have right now. Leaping, breaking, leaping, breaking, back and forth. Back and forth. A tug of war in my soul.
I am afraid to sit and write. I’m afraid to sit down and discover the broken pieces of my heart. The tug of war will end, and I will know which side I will fall on. So I’m going to attempt to write my way through it.
As I teach my students, we write the truth of our heart.. we are courageous, and when we don’t know what to say, we write the words that feel true. So here we go. May it not be another 25 days before I do that.